Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
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There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
My wedding will be open casket.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.