me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
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Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”