Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
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Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho