Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
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I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet