Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
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I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Stonehinge
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Catercrombie & Fish
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”