No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
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I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Monday
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what