I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
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The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
What an awful time to have common sense.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?