I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude