Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
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These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Thursday
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.