I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
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15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”