Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
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Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Lmao
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!