Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
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I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft