why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]