Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
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Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.