If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
You Might Also Like
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I’m listening
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.