RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
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driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
excuse me
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*