Ape together strong
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Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?