If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
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I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Oh boy, $150,000!
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.