“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
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When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!