“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
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Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing