In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
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Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.