I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
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Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
😂 amazing answer
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Breaking news:
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.