‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
You Might Also Like
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.