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Me: Same.
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LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
A friend sent me this.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.