fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
You Might Also Like
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
No way!
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me