Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
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You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.