Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
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“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.