Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
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Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.