[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
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I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…