How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
You Might Also Like
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
WHO DID THIS?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.