The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
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I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Can Happiness buy money?
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.