if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
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I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.