Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
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If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope