I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
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I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.