[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
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No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
My Sentiments Exactly
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.