My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
You Might Also Like
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone