I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.