We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
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Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!