Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
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Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.