Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
You Might Also Like
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%