Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
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We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.