– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
You Might Also Like
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good