Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
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“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Tough love is true love
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
The fall of Netflix
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?