Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
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Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Sign at work today
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
just gave your address to some spiders
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right