If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
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No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Left at a local drug store…
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen