actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
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If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
couldn’t resist
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”