This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
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Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].