Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
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HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.