doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
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I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”