Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
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[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy